the worst day of my life

is the day i was born.

Grandmother passed away on the 8th of the 8th 2008.

1:40 pm was the time she took her fleeting breath.

life can be given so easily yet taken so easily.

new life gives reason for death.

today is also the day where ive decided to change things ive always wanted to change.

i hate evrithing about me.

my persona, my acts, the way i treat people and the way i see people.

give me a few dais or months or years to develop thru this stage.
its about time i turn over a new leaf.

i mite die tomorrow
i mite die after writing this

I realli dont know when ill juz die all of a sudden.
it scares me.
the last thing i want is to leave a bad impression.

For my name to be a curse to people is something i fear immensely.

onli..
a..
few..
moments..

 2:16 AM the same night.

Listening to a song sent by someone 2 years ago.
Siam Shade - Tears I cried

My chains of broken memories are becoming together linked once again.
I didn't like this song back then. Didn't like it at all.
I don't know why right now I've suddenly began to like it.
Yeh.. you sent me the song saying "it's my type of song, especially the last few lines".

You take the tears I cried and lift me up to the bluer skies
Yes, you gave me hope and meaning to my life, I love you so
You never asked me why, just smiled and took all the tears I cried
Baby, now I know what love is and what I am living for...

As I am listening to this nostalgic song; I opened a familiar folder of pictures from all the way to our first meeting.
I giggled as I gaze upon my round bowl-like haircut but stopped immediately as I saw your face in the same picture, sitting there smiling at the camera. Your smile has changed.
I can't really say whether you're happier now or back then.

Another picture of me inside a cafe. It was the first time I felt like I belonged to the youth group I find myself involved in right now. The picture reminds me of the day where I envied your popularity. I've always thought that you are just so out of reach and I'd never even get the chance to talk to you.
I now know I was wrong.

Another picture at Tetsuo's house on a barbeque social. One of my most memorable socials. Mainly because it was the first time I neglected your presence for another girl who was temporarily 'more appealing'. I would say that because it seemed like it was easier to talk to this other girl than you. I am sorry.

Next picture... I find myself next to you. It was a group photo on a whole youth group social at a park in Chatswood. Your smile, your poses and the distance between us were so different to what they are now.
It was a time where we could talk freely without any awkwardness. After the play-around at the park; we all decided to watch a movie and we split up in groups able to choose whichever movie we wanted. I wanted to watch the same movie as you. You were much more critical and direct back then. But even with that; we watched 'Click' with the majority of the youth group. I forgot what happened. Was I sitting next to you? My memory blurs.

RICE 2006 - The picture with me, Besney and Clare. This picture reminds me of a lot.
I remember the time when you were looking through my wallet and gazed upon the sticker photos of me and Besney while admiring it so casually. I don't remember if I felt regretful showing you the pictures or not but would it have changed anything?
It was the night of RICE Rally 2006 where I first broke the trust you had in me. You entrusted me to get you dinner but I didn't make it in time. Even until now I regret it. I won't forgive myself.
You were sitting next to someone up on the upper levels while I was on the bottom. It was a massive distance.

Two webcam pictures of you. It was the first and last time I ever saw you on webcam. You still looked gorgeous even in your home clothes. Your natural smile and visage goes beyond beauty. I was happy. Just a couple of weeks back, I asked if I could see you on webcam once again and you instantly denied. Have we drifted that far?

Houseparty 2006. It was here that I have first felt like killing myself truly. The night of the bushdance I cried whether you or anyone noticed it at all. You were dancing with other guys so casually and freely yet I never got the chance to. We didn't even exchange eye contact that night. I faked a smile on this photo with Hemi and Woody.
I ran back to the cabins and cried. You and everyone else were smiling and laughing at the night but did you notice me back then?
Before Houseparty, we planned to wake up early one morning and talk about our past. I SMS'd you on the last morning but it was already too late.
It was then that I started to lose feelings for you.

Every picture regardless whether you were in it or not links to my memories of you. This next picture is of me, Besney and Clare at the start of 2007. I just came back from America. It was maybe 1 or 2 months that I didn't talk to you and it seemed like I have forgotten you. My memory blurs as I try to remember the length of the distance between us back then.

Houseparty 2007. You were hardly in any of the pictures. Neither was I. Not intentionally. By this time I have already began to let go of my feelings for you. By now I still haven't told you of my past which you were willing to listen to.

Next familiar picture was late October last year 2007. It was on the day we went to look at the Chalk drawings on the Pyrmont Bridge. By now I have already let go of you. But before this date was RICE 2007.
RICE 2007 was something else. We were both in the choir. The only ones from our youth group who just started that year. The old choir wanted to meet up prior to the final rehearsal on the day of the night rally but we weren't invited. We decided to have our own lunch thing with the new choir but no-one else turned up. I was somewhat happy that morning. As you apologized for being late due to traffic, I didn't care at all. We went to Pepper Lunch for lunch and I paid for you. I don't know if you still remember but you said "Thanks Obed". It was a pleasure.
After that we walked to the Sydney Convention Centre for the rehearsal. I forgot what we were talking about but I had fun. I won't be seeing you in the choir this year but I will not forget last year. I miss those times.

Next picture is of a wedding. I tried my best in dressing up and looking good but with no intention to impress you at all. All I could remember was that me, Hemi and you walked to the station together after it and we had lunch at Mandarin Centre afterwards. Did I hug you? I forgot.

Houseparty 2008. We hardly talked. You were present on two of the times when me and the crew were working on the song we created. The first time you helped but soon had to go for Tennis. The second time was at approximately 1AM or 2AM after you got back from the Prayer Tower. You listened to it and you liked it.

Next picture is of you on the second floor of my house. Your tongue poked out of your joyful face. It was the Pizza Social we had at my house this year 2008. I hardly talked to you all day due to the mass circulation of work which needed to be taken care of. I wouldn't say I regret not talking to you because it would have been selfish of me as the host to forget about everyone else. I can also remember you patting the dough which you made. I can also remember you helping Joanna with her cut thumb. You are a gentle and caring person.

Next and final picture is you with Jess and Sarah in a Yum Cha restaurant in Greenwood Plaza in North Sydney. your smile has changed. Again I am unsure whether you were happy or not but I can remember it was your birthday. I forgot to get you a present on the day but the next week I had one prepared. I am unsure if you still treasure and use it now but I hope you do.

Early this year you asked me if you could sleep on my shoulder on the train. I allowed it. You slept almost instantaneously despite the bumpiness of the ride. At one point you woke up; you looked around and I think looked at me for several seconds and went back to sleep on my shoulder. You were adorable. When we got to the last stop; you told me I had a "comfortable shoulder". From then I told you that you could use my shoulder whenever you needed it. You accepted but I wonder if you can still remember.

This year was also the first year I saw your sad and gloomy face. It was on the corner of Victor St where you were heading toward your tutoring centre as I intercepted you with a Hi-5. Your face wasn't happy to see me nor was your Hi-5 enthusiastic. I straight away knew something was wrong. As much as I wanted to find out, I know you wouldn't open to me as much as you would to your cousin Olivia so I begged her to find out. I was happy to know that you could cry your stress out and let your sadness disperse. You thanked me.

These past 2 years I would've never imagined us being friends. When I first saw you, you had everyone crowding around you and I could only gaze from afar with the hope that I could one day talk to you in that intensity. Now I can. It has been awkward when you found out I liked you and when you avoided me because of that; but I know you did it because you didn't want to hurt me in the future by rejecting me. I like that part of you.

Your favourite colour is Purple. Everything purple reminds me of you. I don't know why.
I can't say if I still like you or not. This distance between us now is bearable. We are just friends now. Not as close as before, not as distant as before. Just right.
Though sometimes it seems like I'm avoiding you by putting other things above you, it hurts me far more. But I know, my priorities in life cannot only be you for you are not my idol nor god.
You're in year 12, I'm in year 11. It makes it even harder to communicate with you.

There was a second time where I disappointed you yet again and though I cannot remember exactly, I cast regret upon myself.
Forgive me for the past wrongs I've committed towards you and I will try my best to never ever disappoint you again.

I don't mind you reading this because you're bound to find out how I feel/felt towards you sooner or later.

I don't have the best memory but it puzzles me why I can remember this much.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

3:32 AM fin.

A musical of wails,

An ocean of tears,

An album of memories,

A heart filled with fears.

From the day I met you,

From the moment we talked,

From that time and on,

You’d guide me as I walked.

Much too soon I realized,

I couldn’t help but felt

The sweet taste of affection,

You truly make my heart melt.

“I’ll tell her tomorrow”
My naive self takes control,
Thinking you’ll still be there,
My heart began to sprawl.

Good news or bad,

I’d take them from you,

You can lean on me,

Have my shoulders too.

I was never good with words,

I want to tell you how I feel,

About you, about me

How this feeling is so real.

I want to laugh

When you laugh

I want to hold you tight,

When times get rough.

“You’re a great brother”

You’d say to me,

I should have known,

We would never be.

Your heart belongs to someone else,

Your affection, reserved for him,

I should have guessed from the start,

Your feelings weren’t simply on a whim.

Eventhough I know it’s impossible,

Eventhough I know it’s true,

I promise with my life on the line,

I’ll continue to be here for you.

I’ll tell you this I know,

My heart can fit so few.
No matter how full it’s become,

There’ll always be a spot for you.

Under the one sky we dwell,

Even if we’re so far apart now,

A love song echoes distantly

From this I’ll make a vow.

Listen, my heart still beats for you,

From that moment of despair,

Always falling, always crying,

My pain you’d help me bear.

Listen, my voice calls out to you,

From that moment of isolation,

The me that no-one spoke to,

You opened me in conversation,

Look, I’m still here waiting,

From that moment of bliss,

When I first felt loved,

Those times I truly miss.

Look, my eyes that reflect you,

From that moment of departure,

I’ll still be out there searching,

Until the day my heart ruptures.

Where are you, where are you?

The road ahead is long and narrow

But thoughts of you drive me further,

In a world filled with sorrow.

When you hear these words of mine,

Come back soon, it’s been too long,

My heart will remain as it is,

Written in this echoing love song.

Obed~

This poem i wrote about someone. someone very important.
ive liked her for a year and 3 months now. and i dont know if i can continue like this.

that one year and 3 months hav been a quiet one i think. she never knew of my feelings (at least i think not).
i wasnt scared of telling her; i jus figured it wasnt the best thing to do for now. i thot mayb when i graduate to uni she'll see me as a more grown up person and she won't see me as a little brother anymore.

obviously my thoughts were juz fairytales.
things dont happen that easily.
my frend warned me last year that i will slowly forget her because of the fact that she'll graduate out of high school and im still stuck in the institute. i didnt blieve her, i told her i wud never. she kept telling me i will and i started getting a bit pissd about it bcoz i knew it probably was impossible to forget her.

well now i know, i shudve listened to my frend and i probably wudve avoided this melancholy im facing rite naw.

oh well its okay.
ppl say there are tons of fish in the ocean for u to pick.
but what if uve had an eye on the most magnificent fish but it just doesnt wanna bite the bait. is it ur fault?

rite naw im still uncertain as to if i shud continue or not. i really dont.

*The last line of the poem was a line copied from Chiisana koi no uta - Mongol 800
The song was a pretti big impact on me at the time i wrote it so i felt a need to put it in.

Younha's new japanese album.

Having turned 20 on the 29th of April; she has left her fans a memento of her teenage years sealed within the songs in the album.

A mixture of both pop and rock, her music genre.....

BLAHHH can't write it lyk this.

itll make it more of a review than a blog -_-

anyway~

This is the album i am waiting veryyyyyy impatiently for ~ ordered it at the start of the month and expecting it very very soon. CAN NOT WAIT.

=D - her genre is a mix of pop and rock and she involves the piano quite often which softens the atmosphere created by the electric guitars. lovely~

when i get a car and my license; her songs are gna pop up in the stereo most definitely.